Turning Conflict Into Your Advantage (Surprise!)

For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.

Obviously this is a true statement.  What I have found in workplace conflict, however, is that it's more like "For every action, there is a similar reaction that is often larger than the initial action."   Hence. . .escalation of conflict.

Which, hopefully, is not something we want.     Unfortunately, it is something that has been culturally built in to many workplaces (and politics).   Firmly rooted into "an eye for an eye," when people shoot a verbal bullet - they are conditioned to expect a verbal grenade in return.

So, what if you do something different?  What if you did something smarter?   Don't respond the way they expect you to.  Let's play out a scenario.  Team member says something akin to:   "your team (pointing a finger in your face) isn't organized, isn't effective and frankly is the worst-run team in the company."   This real-housewives phraseology is such that it warrants a fighting response - and that is probably exactly what the accuser wants.       Don't give them a fight - give them an honest response that they don't expect.     Such as:

"I'm really sorry that you feel that way.   I may not share your opinion - but I understand that you are passionate about this.   How about this?    Let's set up an appointment in three days and if you could bring specific examples to the meeting - then let's sit down and discuss.   Maybe we could even have coffee?"    This does several things:  acknowledges the concern, sets a specific time to discuss, asks for specific facts. . .and seriously (?!) extends an olive branch for coffee.    Strategically, is this what the accuser expected?     Oh no.   Does it give you an honest advantage in the discussion?   Oh yeah.

Here's the point:   the honest, but unexpected response in the face of conflict often diffuses the situation to your advantage.   You are not responding as expected (but you are responding smartly), it throws the complainant off their game and buys you time to honestly look at the situation that's presented.

One of the things that gives me joy in the workplace is the break from the routine, the things that are surprises.     Use this one to your advantage.

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My book "Courageous Questions, Confident Leaders" is available on Amazon Kindle.