Holding On to That Hurt. . .

For several weeks, I have been subject to varying degrees of back pain;  finally I sought the help of a massage therapist to relax the muscles and get things to a better place.   During the first few minutes of massage work, I'm struck by how difficult it initially is  to relax. . .to let go.   It's like the back pain has become part of me and my body is, to some degree,  is reluctant to give it up.

Similarly, I have found in my own experience, and in my observation of others - that often we are reluctant to let go of those situations that have been unfair or caused us pain.

To varying degrees, we have all experienced bad things in our lives.   Like all of life's experiences, these events become part of our DNA.  As a learning experience it can mold and shape us;  it should not become a way of living life.

The unfairness of a situation hurts a victim once; but if the victim refuses to let go of it, it hurts the victim for a lifetime.

It is one of the common misconceptions that if we hold onto a hurtful experience, we are gaining retribution against those who have wronged us:  "I'm never going to shop at that store again."  "I'm never going to speak with her in my lifetime."  "After that experience, I will never trust anyone."   The person who is hurt the most by these statements is not the subject. . .but the speaker.

I've seen people hold onto hurt with a vise-like grip for, no kidding, decades.  For what purpose?  The holding of a grudge only serves to make us bitter people, or fearful people. . . it makes us individuals who are incapable of forgiving, learning and moving on.

Moving on is the goal.   If we allow ourselves the privilege of going forward, we are then unstuck.  We are then productive.   We can then see the world clearly - both for the better and the worst.    If we are stuck, however, it is a very one dimensional and sad place to be.

The popular saying of "life is not fair" is too easy. . .it's too cynical without engaging in critical thinking.     Certainly elements of life are not fair. . .and that is often very bad.   Ultimately, however, our internalization of these things should be lessons of learning, inquiries into equality and the opportunity to turn that which wasn't good into something that can make the world (and ourselves)  better.

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My book "Courageous Questions, Confident Leaders" is available on Amazon Kindle.